I'm still not sure about the "resounding gong".

Honestly its a lot easier to read something about love and how it looks when its done correctly, then to actually do it correctly.
Just think about the last time someone hurt you, really hurt you, have you forgiven them? How long will it take?
Will you forgive them at all?

Christ handled hurt this way:
Romans 5:8 (New International Version)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

And this way, Luke 23:34 (New International Version)
Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

The only thing I could do in all our troubles was rely on the Lord and love my husband. We got through our issues but things never got totally better. Unlike Christ I hung onto all the things that had been said and done. I said I forgave him but I never totally did. I kept a record of everything he had ever said and done and when I needed to, I would bring them back up. At some point I wanted things to get better so I got a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife". The first thing the author asked was for each reader to put away the idea that God needed to change your spouse; wow, I didn't see that coming and wasn't too awful happy about it.
I read the book and I prayed for myself and my husband, but I always saved a little bit of hurt and anger for myself; like when you hide a candy bar so no one else can find it, and they can't because they don't know the hiding places in the kitchen because they don't have a uterus. I saved a portion of that uterus having candy bar; it was my safety net in some ways. Having that pain and anger I think meant that I was entitled to live the way I choose, because I was damaged and hurt beyond recognition.
As I stated in my last blog, a lot of things happened during those first years of marriage, which really just added to our already heavy luggage rack.

Flash forward.
At some point during year 6, that's right, SIX, I decided that I was tired of living like this with David. Things would be good, then crap, then good, then really crappy. It was exhausting. I prayed and asked God why he hadn't "restored" my marriage, like everyone said he would if I asked!? There was something different this time though about me- I was ready to do whatever because I was at the bottom. Now I understood what 1 Corinthians 13 was...

What's a resounding gong?

I know a man who thinks that God created marriage to teach us about sacrificial love.
I would agree with him now that I'm married.
I know a woman that once said, "Men, you can't live with 'em, you can't shoot 'em.", now that I'm married I also agree with her.

As if Christ's death wasn't enough for us; we needed yet another example of what love looks like.

After our blissful wedding, David and I began to have some pretty serious problems; they started two days after we arrived in Mexico for our honeymoon. (Ha, I bet you thought I was going to say something like a year or two into our marriage!)

Unlike most people who get married (slather on the sarcasm) we came into our marriage with a ton of baggage.
David was from a divorced home and I was trying to get over things that had happened so many years ago. Neither one of us was successful at taking care of those issues before marriage, so we brought them into our new life together. Horrible things were said and done; there was lots of crying, someone threw a shoe at someone else while they were driving away after an argument (ahem David), and words that you can NEVER take back were said. My heart was broken. My parents had been married forever and here we were at a month and then two months trying to hang on to absolute crap.

I didn't know what to do so I went to God's Word. I knew 1 Corinthians 13, all Christians do, just like all British people know Beatles songs. This is it:

"1 Corinthians 13

Love

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

After I looked this up and wrote it down, I dug further into God's word, writing down each and every verse that spoke to me about love. I made up my mind that no matter what, I was going to stay in my marriage. That proved harder some days than others. However, when it was all said and done, we stayed together further burying our problems; both pre-marriage and the ones we created together.

Once we got pregnant with our first child, things didn't get better, in fact they almost got worse. I think I hated David. I was only going to stay married because I had to, I had made a promise and that was it. I couldn't and wouldn't forgive him for what had been done and said in our marriage. Isabella Grace was born 3 months early and spent 57 days in Bronson Methodist Hospital. The journey that we went on, the way that Christ stepped in and showed himself to us. how he worked though that pain to save our marriage, was amazing.

Let that sink in. In the middle of absolute fear and anguish Christ was there, steady as the rock that He is, offering me peace, clarity and help.

It's about time!

I've been gone for awhile...so the title is being used for dual purposes.
When we last left our heroine, me, I was starting to change...my dear friend Jessica was investing in me and I was growing.

And I grew. I met a guy and for the first time in my life, I dated differently. I wanted to do things "the right way"; I wanted more than heartache out of this relationship. He and I really communicated about what we wanted and how we wanted to be prayerful about everything we did together; even if that meant not being together.

After a couple of weeks I had to go back to Michigan for a wedding. We decided we'd pray and talk when I got back. It was amazing how little stress was involved in leaving. I had decided to ask God into a relationship of mine for the first time in my life and I just knew that he would make things abundantly clear.

My Mom picked me up from the airport and took me to see my Dad; he was running sound for a friend of his.

I got to the gig.
I saw a boy.
I went out with the boy.
I talked to his friend.
I fell in love with his friend.
It changed my life.
Forever.

That was a Saturday night. All I could think about was David Proulx all day on Sunday. I called him but he wasn't there so I had to leave him a message and wait...wait...wait...the hours seemed to take FOREVER. He FINALLY called, I couldn't believe how nervous I was talking to him. "Do you want to come over and go to the Bird Sanctuary?", I asked. "I'll be there in 30 minutes!", was his reply.

Honestly, if we could re-create that first date it would look great on film. Do you remember "You've Got Mail", when Meg Ryan's character is just walking and looking at Tom Hank's character; just knowing but not able to believe she loves him? That was us. We walked and talked and sat, and kissed. We couldn't stop kissing in fact. I was so, something, that I wanted to vomit.

I lost 5 pounds in one week, on account of being "in love".

On Monday we went to Chicago and we said, "I love you", for the first time. On Tuesday we decided to get married.
On Wednesday we picked out our rings. On Friday he bought mine.

That Saturday I flew back to Arizona, ended it with the really nice guy, and flew back home to David Proulx.
He asked me to marry him that next Friday.
We got married 2 months later.

Crunch time.

Miss Arizona Sunshine

The learning curve in this life is huge. I mean you don't get up, after reading a great book or hearing a wonderful sermon or even after talking to an inspirational Christian, and never make a mistake again. That would be wonderful, but it doesn't happen that way.

Having lost my car and having no money I was almost sure I would never find a job. Phoenix is a large city and I lived at the very north end, at the end of the highway! Having no car meant no way to get to job interviews and having no money meant...I had no money. Needing to change that, I walked to the tiny strip mall at the end of the road to beg for a job, any job.

My mind was blank. I think at this point I was finally empty; no longer full of my own ideas and grandios plans.

I wandered into a little UPS store (or something similar) to mail a letter and again my life changed. By chance, or rather by God's planning, I met Jessica Sunshine. On my second visit we discoved we were both Christians that had felt led to Phoenix by the Lord. I believe that Jessica was there, in that moment, to soften my heart. She offered her truck to me to use for job interviews; knowing I had no money for gas. What? Who does that?

Jessica took me to church, introduced me to people and invested in me. As my heart began to soften, I started a dialog with the Lord again. I began to understand that I hadn't arrived in Arizona to teach but to be taught. I had spent so much of my life running and refusing to slow down; I believe the Lord allowed me to be backed into a corner so he could finally get my attention. God wanted to start fresh with me and begin a relationship, not the hand me down one I had.

That summer I started to realize that I could no longer go through the motions with the Lord. I was a woman of value who had been devaluing her life and running from a Creator who wanted to mold her into whatever he wanted; because he made me and knows best.

That's a tough pill to swallow and I get that.

No one wants to hear, "Your life is not about you".

Our life is to about service to a King that shaped and formed the universe, everything in it, then us. After doing that he sent his Son to die for us; to be beaten to death for the very people beating him. Willingly.

Thank you Jessica Sunshine for showing me Christ's love and for helping me, through your example of sacrificial love, re-establish the most important relationship I have ever or will ever have.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ".

There is no Arizona

I was living in Ann Arbor, Michigan when my life started to change. It was 2001. I had been attending a very small Spanish church, working a dead end job, and was newly single. I was a mess. I was hurt and angry and unhappy.

After having left a very unhealthy relationship my past started to rear its ugly head and for the first time in my life I actually wanted to deal with it. I started to admit that I had made some poor choices and started to admit that I felt worthless.

As a child I had been molested. This allowed me to view myself as worthless and treat myself as such. The more I admitted, the more the pain went away and suddenly I was feeling again. I was starting to read my Bible and go to church regularly. I started to pray as well and at some point in my prayers, I felt the Lord urge me toward Arizona.

I would be able to live there with friends and honestly felt like maybe God wanted me to work with the hispanic population, teaching them about the wonders of God! Keep in mind, I was just starting to work on my relationship with God and was in NO place to be teaching or shepherding others; but I packed up my things and I left.

I got to Arizona with only $40 and a car that needed some fixing. But, I just figured that after a short weekend, I'd throw my resume out there and watch Jesus bring in droves of people who had been waiting their whole lives to hire me. I figured that super smart people would desperatly want me to talk to, teach, love on all their Mexicans...have you met me?

Needless to say, that did not happen. And after having spent my last $40 dollars to hire a guy to fix my car "under the table", it was stolen the next morning.

"Hello, 911. What is your emergency?"

"Yes, my car has been stolen, I mean, I went to bed and my roommate noticed it was gone at 6 am!"

"Ok, do you want an officer to come out?"

"Um, yeah, of course, I'll be waiting."

Turns out that cars get stolen a lot in Phoenix, especially Nissans. My car was long gone, in Mexico, and the police wouldn't even be bothering to look for it. What? The Mexicans I was there to love on in Jesus' name stole my Nissan? Really?

As if things couldn't get worse, my friend called to say she was pregnant with her first child! I was so happy for her, until I hung up the phone, when I promptly cried my eyes out. Not only was I not pregnant, but I had no job, no man, and no car! Remember? It was soaking up the sun in Mexico.

After having all my plans, my plans, ruined I sat down and emailed everyone in my family that I was a shell of a woman and didn't even know how I could ever do the whole Jesus thing again. A few days later I actually got up from the second row of the church I was attending and walked out in the middle of the sermon crying. I walked out crying, in front of 1500 other Christians, and not one of them stopped me. I was so angry that for the first time in my life, I had walked out of church; even though that was something that people like me just didn't do.

My grandmother wrote to me and told me to read John. I did it, even though I didn't want to. That night I surrendered what I had been holding back from God; I let it go but asked him to promise to catch me if I "jumped". I did jump and he did catch me and has continued to catch me. Even when I choose to walk away from him, for whatever reason, he's always there.

As I was getting ready to put all these memories down I was thinking again, "Why am I doing this?" However this time I recognized this as fear. I remembered all those Christians that watched me walk out of a church service weeping and decided I would never again walk away from an opportunity to connect with someone and share Christ with them. I am in no way bashing them, please understand, rather the contrary. Where I sit now I recognize that fear, the one that keeps us from sharing, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

So this is me sharing again about my failures in my quest to become a radical follower of Christ. A person who would walk out of a church service to chase down a crying girl and ask the simple question: "Are you ok?", ready to give an answer for the hope she has.

1 Peter 3:15 (New International Version)

¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

Ahhhhh those tacos...

(The following should be read quickly, in one hurried breath...)

To recap:

I wanted to write a book for 8 years, it never happened but I started a blog; I want to share my journey, the one I've been on over the last eight years, the one that's lead me toward actually becoming a Christ follower.

It's been a week and I've started to stall!

What?

So, while reading God's Word today I started to think about this blog, about the Bible study that I'm going to facilitate in September;

SMACK.

I'm afraid.

I don't feel um...worthy, holy, prepared, ready, good enough. I started thinking today, "Just who do I think I am to share and teach people about this God I have met and love and am in awe of?"

(I'm much calmer now, please choose your breaths accordingly, thank you.)

And then I ate the tacos...ahhh those tacos. Please understand that I don't remember the last time I ate something so stinkin' tasty. I could have cried they were sooo good. I even stopped and told the people taking our seats to order them. Those tacos were so good.

I had to tell people about how good those tacos were because I had experienced those tacos. So on the way home from a lovely weekend with my husband I realized that I had to continue and to share and to encourage and to teach people about Christ because like those tacos, I have experienced Christ. I loved those tacos but I love Christ more. If I can share my love of those tacos with complete strangers, I can share my love for Christ as well. In fact, I can't help but do it.

My next post will be soon and I'm going to pick up 8 years ago; my life had just been turned upside down, yada yada yada...

I'm looking at that now so thankful, so thankful.

If you have time listen to Andy Stanley's sermon series "Go Fish". You can find it by going to http://www.northpoint.org/podcasts and then clicking on "North Point Ministries: Andy Stanley Podcast".

This is all new to me.

I have wanted to write a book for about 8 years now.

I even started once, but sadly never finished.

I would write and write and title chapters, but never keep going. The reason I had started writing was to get out all the junk that had accumulated in my life; the stuff that I had finally let come to the surface. But again I couldn't bring myself to finish. In fact, once I had gotten all the junk out it didn't seem to bother me anymore and I lost the desire to write.

That all changed when in a few short months I went from living a very predictable, safe and stable life in Michigan to: moving out west, having my car stolen, and having my entire life turned upside down. It all started when my friend who had just gotten married six months earlier; called to say she was pregnant.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5 years old and was baptized at 7.

I'm at a loss at this point for what else to say about my spiritual life during those years at home.

My parents love the Lord and taught us well but like many people my faith was notmine. I had been taught things and knew I should believe things, but again, it was all a big hand me down. I saw Jesus as my friend, but didn't really know him as the Creator, the Savior...

In the last 8 years I have grown and changed and wrestled with the idea of faith and Jesus and Christianity and what it all means. I have cried and yelled at the Lord. I have tested God and played the horribly behaved child. And through all of this I have come to understand that no matter how angry or doubtful or scared I was; no matter how badly I behaved; whether I ignored God or thanked him, he never left me and never stopped loving me.

This blog is a story about that.

This is my story.

This is real, and I hope that if you are wondering about God or scared of him or distrustful or angry or "fill in the blank"; that these stories about becoming an actual follower of Christ will resonate within you. Sometimes we aren't honest enough with each other about what following Christ really means and what it feels like. We put on masks that hide how we feel because we are afraid.

Let's be transparent together.

I'll go first.