There is no Arizona

I was living in Ann Arbor, Michigan when my life started to change. It was 2001. I had been attending a very small Spanish church, working a dead end job, and was newly single. I was a mess. I was hurt and angry and unhappy.

After having left a very unhealthy relationship my past started to rear its ugly head and for the first time in my life I actually wanted to deal with it. I started to admit that I had made some poor choices and started to admit that I felt worthless.

As a child I had been molested. This allowed me to view myself as worthless and treat myself as such. The more I admitted, the more the pain went away and suddenly I was feeling again. I was starting to read my Bible and go to church regularly. I started to pray as well and at some point in my prayers, I felt the Lord urge me toward Arizona.

I would be able to live there with friends and honestly felt like maybe God wanted me to work with the hispanic population, teaching them about the wonders of God! Keep in mind, I was just starting to work on my relationship with God and was in NO place to be teaching or shepherding others; but I packed up my things and I left.

I got to Arizona with only $40 and a car that needed some fixing. But, I just figured that after a short weekend, I'd throw my resume out there and watch Jesus bring in droves of people who had been waiting their whole lives to hire me. I figured that super smart people would desperatly want me to talk to, teach, love on all their Mexicans...have you met me?

Needless to say, that did not happen. And after having spent my last $40 dollars to hire a guy to fix my car "under the table", it was stolen the next morning.

"Hello, 911. What is your emergency?"

"Yes, my car has been stolen, I mean, I went to bed and my roommate noticed it was gone at 6 am!"

"Ok, do you want an officer to come out?"

"Um, yeah, of course, I'll be waiting."

Turns out that cars get stolen a lot in Phoenix, especially Nissans. My car was long gone, in Mexico, and the police wouldn't even be bothering to look for it. What? The Mexicans I was there to love on in Jesus' name stole my Nissan? Really?

As if things couldn't get worse, my friend called to say she was pregnant with her first child! I was so happy for her, until I hung up the phone, when I promptly cried my eyes out. Not only was I not pregnant, but I had no job, no man, and no car! Remember? It was soaking up the sun in Mexico.

After having all my plans, my plans, ruined I sat down and emailed everyone in my family that I was a shell of a woman and didn't even know how I could ever do the whole Jesus thing again. A few days later I actually got up from the second row of the church I was attending and walked out in the middle of the sermon crying. I walked out crying, in front of 1500 other Christians, and not one of them stopped me. I was so angry that for the first time in my life, I had walked out of church; even though that was something that people like me just didn't do.

My grandmother wrote to me and told me to read John. I did it, even though I didn't want to. That night I surrendered what I had been holding back from God; I let it go but asked him to promise to catch me if I "jumped". I did jump and he did catch me and has continued to catch me. Even when I choose to walk away from him, for whatever reason, he's always there.

As I was getting ready to put all these memories down I was thinking again, "Why am I doing this?" However this time I recognized this as fear. I remembered all those Christians that watched me walk out of a church service weeping and decided I would never again walk away from an opportunity to connect with someone and share Christ with them. I am in no way bashing them, please understand, rather the contrary. Where I sit now I recognize that fear, the one that keeps us from sharing, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

So this is me sharing again about my failures in my quest to become a radical follower of Christ. A person who would walk out of a church service to chase down a crying girl and ask the simple question: "Are you ok?", ready to give an answer for the hope she has.

1 Peter 3:15 (New International Version)

¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.